Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other, \"I\'m the luckiest guy in the world\".
\"Why is that?\" said the other tramp.
\"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a £20. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days.\"
The other tramp said, \"That was pretty good, but I think I\'m the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days.\"
\"Jesus\", said the first tramp. \"You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?\"
\"Well\", the other tramp said, \"No, I never found her head.\"
Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says, \"You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she\'d been there for three weeks. Man, I\'m tellin\' you, her clit was just like a pickle.\"
\"What,\" the other asks, \"green?\".
\"No,\" says the first, \" a bit sour.\"
Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.
The doctor walks in and Michael asks: \"Doctor, how long before we can have sex?\"
The doctor replies, \"I\'d wait until he\'s at least 14.\"
What\'s blue and fucks old people?
Me... in my lucky blue suit.
Two men are sitting in a restaurant. There is also a gypsy woman sitting opposite to them with her legs wide spread.
One man says: \"Look, she has such dark hair on her genitals!\" the other says: \"Oh no, it isn\'t hair, it is dark panties!\" Then they made a bet - £100 . A waiter goes by so they ask him to find out for them.
He did so, but takes all the money and walks away. \"What happened, why are you taking the money?!\" Asked the waiter.
He replies: \"Neither of you was right! She had her period and there were flies on her!\"
A couple is making out in the movies.
She says, \"Harry, I think I just swallowed your gum.\"
He says, \"No, I was just clearing my throat.\"
A little girl is standing by the edge of a cliff crying her eyes out.
A man comes over and says, \"What\'s wrong little girl?\"
The little girl still crying just points over to the edge of the cliff.
The man looks over the edge and sees a car with the little girl\'s parents
mangled n the rocks below.
The man turns round, unzips his fly and says, \"I guess it just ain\'t your lucky day!\"
A little girl is out with her mother in the park when they see two teenagers having sex on a bench.
\"What are they doing?\" asks the girl.
\"Uh, making cakes dear\" says the mother.
They proceed to go to the zoo, where sure enough they see two monkeys having sex.
\"What are they doing?\" asks the girl.
\"They\'re making cakes, too.\"
The next day, the girl says: \"Mommy, were you and Daddy making cakes in the den last night?
Shocked, the mother asks: \"How did you know?\"
\"I licked the icing off the sofa.\"
what\'s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
the wheelchair
een lange, maar een goeie^^:
This fella got married and went on honeymoon to this posh hotel. As the couple had a lot of luggage, the doorman helped them in with it. He found it strange that most of them items were fishing rods, tackle and all sorts of stuff you need for fishing expeditions.
At 8am the next morning , the newly-wed man was heading out the door laden down with fishing gear, now the doorman was curious so he asked him why he was heading out so early to go fishing while on honeymoon. The man replied \'Well, it\'s a little sad, my wife has gonorrhea so I can\'t fuck her\'. \'Oh, I see\' says the doorman and off yer man goes fishing.
Next morning at 7am the fella is heading out, again obviously going fishing. The doorman stops him and says to him, \'Excuse me sir, I hope you don\'t mind me saying, it IS your honeymoon, why aren\'t upstairs at least kissing and cuddling your new bride?\'
\'Very sad\' replied the newly-wed, \'can\'t kiss her, she\'s got pyhorrea\'. \'oh, fair enough\' says the perplexed doorman, as the the guest goes out the door, fishing tackle and all.
The following morning at 6am, the by now normal routine happens, the doorman stops the guy again and says \'Listen sir, I\'ve been thinking about your problem and I like to suggest a solution.\' \'Okay, go ahead\' says his guest.\'
\'Well,\' says the doorman, why don\'t you, y\'know, take her from behind?\'
\'Very sad\' says the fella, \'can\'t do that, she\'s got diarrhea\'.
\'Fuck me\' says the exasberrated doorman, \'she\'s got gonnorrhea so you can\'t fuck her, pyhorrea so you can\'t kiss her and diarrhea so you can\'t even take her from behind! Why DID you marry this woman?\'
\'Well, says the hotel guest, as he adjusted his fishing rod, \'she\'s a great source for worms\'
Why is a prostitution a more lucrative career than being drug dealing?
Because a prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.
Charlie\'s an embalmer, and one day he says to his boss, \"There\'s a problem with Mrs. Whittaker.\"
The boss says, \"What\'s that?\"
Charlie says, \"I was getting her cleaned up when I noticed a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy.\"
The boss says, \"That\'s impossible. Show me.\"
They go to the table where she\'s lying, Charlie flips back the sheet, points, and says, \"See? There\'s a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy.\"
The boss takes a closer look and says, \"You jerk, that\'s not a piece of shrimp. That\'s her clit.\"
Charlie says, \"Her clit? Well, it sure tasted like shrimp.\"
whats the best thing about having sex with a 7 yr old?
watching him break down in the witness stand.
Why did the Kerry abortion clinic close down?
The ferret died...
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